Friday, September 30, 2011

Happy Day.

It started when Max woke me up early this morning. I rocked him, he smiled at me. "Sleep with Daddy?"
I don't argue with that when I'd rather be sleeping. I went to the love seat.

I woke up at 8:30. Yes, 8:30. No one else was awake, so I shut my eyes and wondered how long it would last. Not long after, I hear the opening of a door and running feet. My Brookie. She's always the first up. I hugged her so tight and stared at her smile. This is my favorite time with her.

Next, I heard Max trying to talk to his Daddy. Daddy was completely unresponsive since his work ended just hours before, but Max kept on talking...loudly.  He welcomed me with a huge smile. What a happy sight in the morn.

The other two kept sleeping....and sleeping....and finally our table was surrounded by two cheery little ones and two sleepy heads. My plan was to get these kids out of the house so Daddy has a few more hours of quiet rest. But it never fails. Whenever we are getting ready to leave him alone, we cause so much commotion and he wakes up right before we leave. So he joined us.

There is something sweet about watching a Daddy play with his kids, watching him taking them for a walk, and watching him watching them. I went to the car to get a camera but they all followed me. No pictures today.

I came home, mandated a quiet time, and cuddled up with with Savannah while she did math.

Laundry, washing windows, uploading pictures........Mr. Bean cracked up Max during supper. It's movie night but one episode of Mr. Bean is about all I had the energy for. I was so grateful that my neighbors gave me a few brownies. It was a chocolate kind of night.

Summer pretended to be Mr. Bean with her teddy bear. She made bear turn away when she undressed for her bath.

At bedtime, the girls wanted a slumber party in their room. Max wanted to join them, so every time I tried to take him to bed he'd play opossum.

It was a happy day. A day perfect to soak in the blessings. A day to dream. A day to fill up love tanks. A day to shorten the to-do list. A day to just live.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

This Fast

A few days ago, I read my dear friend's blog, Surviving The Chaos which blew me away.  The blog did- and then her link to live 58 opened my eyes more. And then, Isaiah 58.

I have not read the book yet. I plan to.

You see, it has been on my heart for quite a while now that I need to reach out more. Several years ago, it was all about me. My prayers were completely selfish, and I knew it. I was miserable.

Then I had a revelation about how much God really loves me and what he really did for me- and it made sense. The religious act I was trying to attain became useless and I fell head over heels in love with God. I stopped worrying about myself and was able to care for my family with more intensity and joy. But it's easy to love your family.

So it's been on my heart to reach out. Then I sit here and look around at the half packed boxes, piles of laundry, unfinished projects, and four little faces that like to eat. What else can I do?
And then somebody posts a story of someone in need- way more need than I have.

I believe a parent's job is quite possibly the most important in the world. For if parents instill character, values, compassion, and passion in their children, it makes a better world. If not, things will eventually go downhill for everyone. Yes, I could say that I'm doing quite a bit by being a wife and mother.

But Jesus's words and example makes it clear that following him is more than just taking care of yourself. True Christianity is reaching out to those who really need it and helping them- even if it hurts a little. Even if it's inconvenient.

He didn't tell us to let the rich do it.
He didn't tell us to let the government do it.
He told the church- the Christians to do it. And do it in love. (1Corinthians 13:4-7)

Back to Isaiah 58.

I admit, I have fasted for the wrong reasons before. Now I understand that fasting isn't to get God's attention and to blow up my problems. It is to take my eyes off of my surroundings, my body, my cares and focus on connecting with God. It is a relationship with the Light unto my path.

So I wanted to fast. Something significant to my situation. I thought about it and thought.

And I want to share on here not to boast or to present myself as a religious saint nor to take this lightly, but because I want to record my journey and possibly add some perspective if anyone else might share my thoughts on this.

For reasons I will share some other time, long term food fasts are not an option.
I do not watch TV, and have almost completely lost the desire to.
I don't spend money on myself. It's usually just necessities.
I don't have candy sitting around.
I don't have much free time, and when I do, I'm praying or taking a much needed nap. Or blogging.
This is just my season. Someday I will indulge, but today it is pointless to fast something that isn't significant.

So this is what God told me.

Fast logistics. Go where I tell you to go, do what I tell you to do, but don't sit around and stew over how it will turn out or where you will get the resources. Just do it. Then you will have much more time to spend on others. You already know I will take care of it.

And I sat, searching for a thought. For God had told me to fast the one thing that has consumed me. So I said, "What do I do now?"

And he said, "The dishes need to be washed."

So that's what I did.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011


I've heard this all before but as always it doesn't sink in until it happens to me.

Everyone told me parenting would be hard, yet I had no idea.

Likewise, when I told God "I'm done. I've tried and failed miserably. You can have it all.", I had no idea where this would lead. It is turning out to be what I least expected.

Exposing how selfish I really am.

Exposing how easily influenced I am by outside influences.

Revealing who He really is.

Peeling away my resistance.

And leading me to the exact place I never wanted to be.

Following God truly is all or nothing. But since He is almighty, my provider, and loves me infinitely more than I can understand, I now can look my fears straight on and embrace the adventure I'm about to embark in.

I'm at the top of the roller coaster about ready to plunge.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

History In The Home

This year we have been studying the American history timeline starting with Leif the Lucky. It's mostly a foundation- these tiny ears may not hear it all nor remember it all. Was I taught this in second or third grade? I don't remember. I'm so thankful to learn it all over again.

So, I was thinking of some of the things the pioneers did and thought these were ways to instill a few bits of history in the wrinkles of their brains.

1. Captain John Smith said to the people of Jamestown, "if you don't work, you don't eat".
        So I thought I'd give each child a chore and they have to complete it before supper in order to eat.

2. Smith also poured cold water down the sleeve of anyone who complained about the work.
       So every complaint or grunt or sigh or rolling of the eyes gets a ice cube down their shirt.

3. The pioneers and Indians didn't have a store to go to, so they had to be creative and use what they had.
      So instead of running to the store when they think the NEED something, they have to find a way to    accommodate their need.  Sometimes this is done by recycling or finding something from nature.

4.  Like the Pilgrims, we all have hard times yet we can always find something to be thankful for.
       So when one of these girls start thinking that her life has to be the worst ever, we list five thanksgivings.

5.  Everything had to be made from scratch.
       So we try to make things from scratch like butter and bread. The less processed, the better in this situation. However, *sigh* I'm thankful for flour, harvested and ground. And we complain about how busy we are now....

And that's as far as we've gotten. Re-learning this bit of history reminds me of all I have to be thankful for.


I recently started wearing daily contacts. Love 'em. But that isn't what's on my mind.

Sometimes I glance at a word or a group of words and my brain scrambles up the letters, producing some curious reads. One devotional on my facebook yesterday was titled "Ash Heap Christians". In the split second before my second glance I thought someone had written a devotional about cheap ass Christians. I'm sure there is a devotional worthy of that title somewhere, but that's not on my mind either.

Eight years ago my landscaping was cookie cutter plain. As I could afford, I'd pick up a plant here and there- perennials or seeding flowers preferably since I was cheap. This year I am able to sit back and enjoy. My vision of a bountiful flower and herb garden, sedum corner, and living rock wall have been accomplished.

Today was a most beautiful day to enjoy and pull weeds.

Before each child I knew they were coming.

I saw myself working at my workplace of 12 years before I stepped foot in it.

Visions often precede reality.

My new visions overwhelm me. I am processing them slowly. I have a HUGE God that is only limited by my me. God, help me to decrease so that you increase because I don't want to miss a second of this.

Friday, September 23, 2011


Introvertism....(spell check says it isn't a word.)  It very well describes me.

I wonder why. Was it how I was made? Was it due to my upbringing? I'm sure the experts would say a little of both.

I want to share something with the world, I just don't want to put it all out there. I love people- the real people especially. The ones that can laugh at themselves and admit they are not perfect. The ones that make decisions NOT based on what everyone else might think.

The problem is that I've met plenty that chose to inflict their opinion on me, so forgive me for keeping to myself.  I have my quirks. I feel uneasy around perfect hair or houses decorated to match couch cushions and curtains.

If you'd like to come over and criticize my decor, fine. I just won't invite you again.

I love ugly sweaters. Especially used ones.

Old furniture with a few nicks and chips on the paint. Priceless.

People- especially children- that innocently express their uniquenesses.

I used to think introvertism was bad. (I have a I like it.) I like being influenced by those I choose. I like my deep thoughts. I love quiet. I don't mind being different. I'm so thankful I don't have to fit into anyone else's box.

But continue to be frustrated by those that insist on it.

Or those that think it is a disease.

Here's another secret. I've always wanted to be old so I could be free to act a little crazy and wear hats all the time. (Now I've realized that what I thought was old really isn't very old and I'd have to wait way too long for that so....34 is the new old.)

I'm the crazy charismatic Mennonite born again Christian that homeschools her kids and wears sweater dresses over her jeans. My kids and I have a blast at Goodwill. And we make our own soap. I'm not such a great homemaker...I'd rather be painting or going for a walk in a forest somewhere. I can be very logical but I'd rather not. God doesn't always work logically, and can't always work through logic.

I go wild over praying mantises and spider webs.

I absolutely love children's art.

Another secret... one reason why I love to be around children is because I can act crazy and they love it. Why do I keep making excuses to live like I have a few loose screws?

Can I shout this from the hills? There is much more to a person than what we see. I think the best way to crush a little introvert's spirit is say, "He's just so quiet and shy." And just leave it at that. Just look and make a conclusion. Introverted children need someone to dig and prod until something comes out, and then for that someone to celebrate what they have found.

For me, I can deal with introvertism ignorance. For a child, they will just think something is wrong with them. At least that was my experience.

Ask a few more questions.

Embrace quirkiness.

Understand them.

Celebrate them.

And this could change one's perspective about their value.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

My Opinion: On Family

I've written about this before, but since I'm on a roll, let's visit us again.

Family is everything. I don't have studies to cite on this but they are there. There is security in family, love- a love that rarely would come from anyone else. Belonging. Where a person's world view is formed ( and sometimes a lack of family forms this). A family is no laughing matter.

We don't need better schools, we need better families. In general- I'm not saying your family needs to be better. We just need stronger families.

To me, my family comes before money and time to myself. I would rather have a family that valued me than gave me stuff. Here, I must point out that I do still have an "away from home" job that, thankfully, has given opportunity for me to work when we need money- and it gives me time away and some extra validation that is very refreshing. We work for money for many different reasons. Sometimes it is out of necessity and sometimes it is out of greed- for money, power, or a reason to get away. Each family has to make it's own decision and I am not here to judge individuals. Some families have two working parents but still have family as a priority....some have AMAZING single parents that somehow do it all. I am in awe of these people. At any rate, it is clear to me that as a society we have mixed up some priorities.

Extended family is a little different matter. They are different than friends- even though some are friends. It's just that we don't get to pick them. I think that you can either resent who you got stuck with or embrace them. That does not mean let them walk all over you, but I am convinced that on a pie chart of grace distribution, family would get the largest slice.

My families have given experiences and exposures that overwhelm my thoughts. The further away from the core, the more history is preserved. The more memories are made. The more insight is built. Shame on those that manipulate or bully family members. Shame on those for taking each other for granted. Shame on the ones that compare and control, and those that jump to conclusions based on a speck of knowledge. But even if one has some or all of these types, he or she would be better off to heap on the grace (mixed in with proportional wisdom). And if at all possible, don't burn bridges completely.

If you are in a situation that may hurt relationships, destroy the situation in order to preserve the relationship. Error on the side of family. I sincerely believe one day we will fully understand the purpose of this institution, and will kick ourselves for not valuing the jewel that it is.

My Opinion: On Friends

I've been in this mood lately- It's not so sweet. Ahhh, the seasons of my moods. This is the season of the matter-of-fact Wendi. So, I thought I'd share my opinion about a few things, because, my opinion is that this is my blog and I can do that, and if you would rather not read it- don't. (but I still hope you do.)

Friends by definition

1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.

3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?

4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.

5. ( initial capital letter ) a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker.

My definition:
A friend is someone I love to be with.
A friend is not someone I try and get out of spending time with.
A friend is someone who learns to appreciate something uniquely important or special to me or about me.
A friend is not someone who always expects me to conform to them.
A friend recognizes my gifts and where I got the short end of the stick (like spelling), then encourages the gifts and piles grace on whatever is lacking.
A friend does not start a competition, envying gifts and exposing faults.
A friend enriches my life.
A friend does not suck the life out of me.
A friend is sad when I hurt and throws a party when I am blessed.
A friend does not get joy from my hurts, nor hurts when I am blessed.
With a friend, I can say what I want, respectfully.
A friend does not cause me to walk on eggshells time after time.
A friend is welcoming.
A friend does not make me feel stupid for giving an invitation.
A friend respects my friends, husband, and children.
If someone slams one of these, I am crushed as well.
A friend, no matter how close or how long it's been, shows love. A friend flashes a smile- sometimes a giddy school girl smile, sometimes an "it's been too long" smile, and sometimes a comfortable "you are always welcome" smile. A friend sends encouragement once and a while. A friend admits faults and seeks reconciliation.
Some of my friends I don't know very well. Some I feel a connection reserved for a close few.Some are so wonderful but not an active part of my life- but nothing has changed. And many are in between. They are all so beautiful. I have been so blessed with top notch friends that I have no need for a second rate friend. I wish everyone would be so blessed. I would hope that my friendship would be equally valued.
Ok, so this turned out to be a little bit sweet. I love my friends.
But competitive, self seeking "friends" are not really friends, and will not be allowed to use me in order to promote their own self. I don't need a friend like that!
What qualities shine in your friends?

Sunday, September 11, 2011


It's 9/11, and I've been overwhelmed with heroic stories and sentiments. Sometimes enough is enough. Sometimes I doubt sincerity when everyone is supposed to remember on this day. And once I start thinking that, I hear a story that makes me break down and bawl.

I didn't go to church because, just once and a while, I want to be all alone. I guess I shoulda gone because my joy seems to be lacking. Would I feel better if I did? Probably.

Ten years ago... that long? Yet it seems like forever, yet yesterday. I was single, no kids, and my biggest fear was cellulite. I didn't have many cares- and spent the last ten years collecting them. This year I've tried to forget them (reasonably speaking).

Now I feel like I'm going back to nothing. I don't know where I will live, I don't know what the bills will be or how they will be paid (exactly). Our "it might be nice if..." plans were catapulted to "this is how it is going to be." I'm usually excited but today I'm numb. I'm back to "I'm trusting you, God, because I don't even know what tomorrow looks like."

And that is how life is. Ups, downs. Discouragements. But I have this message for anyone or anything against me.

I will come through. I will win. I cannot lose, for God is with me.

In fact, I will win in a victorious style. Don't let my demeanor on this day fool you. I'm never giving up on God.

I can say that even when I don't feel it. THAT is why I love God.

Friday, September 9, 2011

We Fall Down, We Get Up

I am humbled when I think of the wonderful people that God has put in my life. They may be close friends, family, a familiar face, or a stranger I follow online. I get excited about each piece of a life story I am privelaged to encounter, especially when it involves a calling and a pure following. My spirit is doing cartwheels with joy with the amazing things one or two people do to change the world for others.

A few years ago, there was a battle going on between my spirit and mind. I had grand and glorious plans that my flesh could not accomplish. There were several reasons for this. One was that I get tired and grumpy and want to scrap it all at least once a day. Another was because I was believing lies about me that I allowed to repeat over and over in my mind. I looked at the flesh, then at the dream. Flesh, dream, flesh, dream. I just didn't see how my pitiful self could accomplish what my spirit told me to do.

So I took a step back, admitted my imperfections, reflected on what Christ did for me, and let Him take over. The perfected spirit is always right. I started moving forward- with baby steps.

I got overwhelmed. I felt sorry for myself. I lost my temper. I blamed others. We fall down, we get up. But with each baby step, I've felt more peace.

Today, looking at those I admire, I felt a sense of lack of accomplishment. My dreams are not nearly completed, and many seem to be at a standstill. And while I am contemplating this, a dirty little face appears directly in front of mine.

"A mo Move?"

His favorite song. (the acoustic version, thank you very much)

He lets out a screech as I load the page. Over and over he plays it. I take a few moments and watch his dancing.

Later, my mind reminds me of the challenges ahead.

"I must pray...I need encouragement...." And more time is spent meditating. Even Max knows to back off when I'm praying. I fall down, I get up.

A phone call to a friend, a few minutes with my husband, supper, a little more packing....

A bedtime routine that must not be altered. Brush teeth, read three books, toss him into bed (on the count of three), toss bear into bed, tuck bear in, tuck Max in. Prayers are said, Mama kisses Max, Mama kisses bear, and finally Max kisses bear. Bear is so tired. "Don't fall!" Max says to bear. "Don't fall! Mama says to Max. We blow each other one last kiss.

Then, on to the other children. When my heart is filled to the brim with joy, I walk out to a disasterous living room. I am exsausted.

I reflect in silence this time. Do you know what I conclude? I am imperfect, yet I am so blessed. This makes me want to say even more, "Take all of me, Lord because I want all you have given." I want to know more about this God that doesn't expect but gives everything to me. He has even given me the faith to recieve His promises. How he loves us. My dreams will come in due time, but the dream of my beautiful family and the lover of my soul is mine to enjoy at this very moment.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

So Small, So Big

My tantrum is over. Not that it was terrible....God was so good to us this weekend. I think my husband's smile has not left his face yet. There we sat, in a room full of beautiful Laotian families that were all brothers and sisters in Christ. We didn't know most of them but yet felt at home. Of course, I didn't know what was said half the time. I was clueless and my husband sat there soaking it all in. "Laotian" and "Christian" are not two words that have gone together often for us. I am so happy for him, and I am so thankful for our friends.

We were doubly blessed by a lunch by "the pond" with Dad's family. I love it out there. So peaceful, so beautiful, so...Kansas. Oh, and there is always something about nature to learn there.

Moving plans are going full force. There is a lot to do in very little time. But none of this is a problem. Relationship troubles, finances, logistics...they are not a problem.

All it takes is to go to church expecting a study but instead being blessed by a testimony that blows all of my "problems" out of the water. I was supposed to be there tonight. We were supposed to go to the Lao camp this weekend. We were supposed to be refreshed in the country as well. And God won't stop there. The message I left with tonight was, "God will come through." Storms will come, but God will come through. All he needs is for us to stick with him and not let go of our vision. God will come through.

Perspective is what it takes. Expect more, and keep expecting because the biggest storms are nothing to God. He will come through.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Hello, My Name Is Wendi

I realize this is post #260 but there are some things that I would like to say in my defense to a few particular people who, of course, will never read this. Therefore, I will subject you to it. Lucky you.

My name is Wendi DeAnn Suderman Siyajuck. Since my childhood, I've had a wonderful family. My parents raised me to the best of their ability despite the hardships (which every family has at some level or another). They taught me good values and something to believe in, gave me unconditional love which is more valuable to me than anything material, and never made me feel small or worthless. I always knew I was loved. I was not only well fed and given a roof over my head, but I was valued as a family member and I always felt comfortable in my own home. Even now, my brother and sister and I show love in our own ways, not because we feel obligated or that we owe anyone anything, but because we truly love each other.

I grew up on a farm. A PIG farm. I washed out hog barns, fed pigs, gave shots, clipped teeth and castrated piglets. I butchered chickens and showed bucket calves while living under my parent's roof. I learned to cook early and helped often. My parents work hard and taught me to as well. I painted the house when I was young and mowed cemeteries with my brother in high school. I am not scared of working and I actually enjoy hard labor from time to time.

On the flip side, I love beautiful things I love order, art, nice clothes, a new hairdo, a nice smell, and flowers. I wish I could have these things all of the time. My family is Mennonite, which may not mean much to the average person, but in a nut shell, they take care of things, I dare say, better than most. They don't waste anything and are very crafty with their hands. This is within me as well.

I have a strong faith in God which has allowed me to worry less. I know eventually things come together. It always does. Please don't mistake this for ignorance. I am an adult, and I am intelligent. I am intelligent enough to know my abilities don't cut it when it comes to life. I need a God that takes care of me, and that is what I have. So I don't worry much about where life will take me or how things are going to be fixed. I know other parents gasp when my children are dare devils and how they play...but guess what? They have fun and no broken bones yet. And if it does happen? Is it the end of  the world? I don't worry about that either. But I become the overprotective mom when it comes to emotions. I am sensitive and have had feelings painfully hurt and so I am like a bird watching over her nest of chicks when it comes to my kids' minds. I am picky about what they watch or what people they are with.

My personality is not evident immediately. I am a right brained introvert. People don't always get me and frequently misunderstand me as a person. I have been called snobby and stuck up. I have been mistaken for being slow in the mind, or that I just don't care. Do you know, when people are not talking they are thinking? And thinking often produces more than talking. I see things from a different perspective so I just do things differently. I don't think that is wrong. Just different. I am quite sure I have a bit of adult ADD, but have not pursued much medically mostly because if I did take any medication, I would inevitably forget to take it. It isn't severe but I am aware of it. I hate talking on the phone because the slightest distraction makes it impossible to hear. I forget what I am doing often and I tend to lose things...every half hour or so. I avoid loud venues because I can't enjoy the conversation. I think I lost a boyfriend once simply because, in the middle of a cold football game, he suggested that we stay warm by cuddling. I didn't hear what he said so I smiled and continued to watch the game. Years later it hit me that I completely blew him off.

That's okay, though, because I met and married the right man for me. When we met, I liked him for many reasons. He was handsome and funny, but most of all he just liked me. He was okay with my silent spells and quirky joys. He thought I looked good in jeans and tank top with my hair tied back and little makeup. What this said to me was he didn't like something I was trying to be, he just liked me. And that was that. We got married and had a baby in the baby carriage. Times four. He is my world! I know I don't do things like he is used to but he adapts to me and defends me. I would do anything I could if I knew it would make him happy, and I know he does so much for me. He, as well, has his way of doing things that I don't always understand. However, when I just let him do his job, well, it works out beautifully.

I am not naturally prone to loving children, but I always knew I would love my own. And I do! The work they make is nothing compared to the joy they bring! However, that does not mean that they are not work, for they are. Getting up and breakfast takes an hour most days. Every meal takes at least 45 minutes. Bed time from start to finish 1 hour 15 minutes. Laundry, dishes, ouchies, books, teachable moments, refereeing, picking up, sweeping, entertaining, doctor appointments, friends over, toy maintenance, picture taking, bed making...well, it fills in the gaps. So remember how I love beautiful things? Priorites. My children are more important than my things. One day I will be able to watch my favorite shows, as well as keep an orderly house, but the last eight years I've had no such luck. Oh yeah, and I teach them too. So when my husband comes home to laundry piled on the floor and dishes in the sink with his tired wife in glasses and pajamas, he still knows my value. And I his. Cause if he can look at me like this and still hug me, he's a keeper.

I don't prefer to be given much. I like to earn what I have because people may expect something from me if a gift is given. The exeption is when I trust that the giver truly is giving and not putting in a deposit and demanding a suprise refund later, making me look like a fool. I do not appreciate being made guilty over somthing I didn't ask for in the first place.

I have my dietetics registration. I love food, but not only because I love to eat or I love to cook, but it is the center of everything. I am eclectic and I love wholistic living, in which food lies. Food is an art, beautiful to all senses. It is fun to grow, make, and eat, and it is truly amazing how it is used to sustain life. I am in awe of how the proper use of food can help produce a healthy mind, body, and spirit. However, it is often frustrating to me how emotions and environments can negatively affect eating habits, which ultimately leads to family. A healthy family will poduce healthy kids. So family will always trump food. I say this to reinterate the value of spending time serving family- with food and otherwise.

I have experienced prejudice before- because of my faith or because I was from the country or because of my race. Caucasians have their steryotypes, too. It always hurts.

If anyone feels the need to find my shortcomings, they don't have to look hard. However, I assure you, there is more than meets the eye. Nothing hurts me worse than being accused for something that isn't true about me. Nothing means more to me than when someone is patient enough to find the hidden jewel in me. Everyone has them, however some are easier to see than others.

My spoken words would never be elloquent enough to effectively relate this to anyone that doubts me. My written, unheard response gives me peace.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Can I Have A Vacation Yet?

Last year, we went on a short vacation to Colorado. Four years ago, Hawaii for a few weeks. Nine years ago, our honeymoon. Other than trips"home" once and a while, that's it.

I'm not complaining, but every once and a while I yearn for a handful of days just away. I don't care where! Since something substantial is no where in the foreseeable future, my brain took a vacation today. Sometimes it just happens...planned or not.

I didn't focus on anything in particular...just random thoughts summing up past, present and future.

Frustrations have invaded a large part of my adult life since things don't always go the way I plan. I still don't have everything I want or everything I've prayed for, but today in the midst of my chaos I had true peace. I didn't feel the need to lock myself in a room and mentally sort everything out- why's who's and what do we do's. Instead, God's promises kept coming to mind. They are becoming more real than my frustrations.

My husband, Sook, is changing before my eyes. What used to be a source of frustration for me is now a piece of the solution. I'm not sure if it's him or me...or maybe both...but he has become a refuge for me on my worst days. This is something to be overjoyed about. I love him so much.

I used to stay up nights worrying about politics. I don't spend too much time on it anymore, because the way I see it, instead of writing speeches or song lyrics about how we need to come together and love everyone... we just need to do it. Instead of worrying about how the government is going to fix this or that crisis...we just need to volunteer a little time and/or money. No matter what the government decides, I can  act freely to do what I am passionate about in love. (Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, goodness, self control...against such things there is no law) So until I am doing what I can, I have little criticisms for policies. We the people are responsible for our own destruction.

My four children are the reason we don't get vacations or time alone. They frustrate me daily. Their messes scatter my already attention deficit mind. The money I spend on them could be used for a new hair do and fancy clothes. The time I spend on them could be used at a job I actually get paid for - with mandatory breaks and paid vacations. My car might smell good without them. My house may actually feel big without them. However, none of these things matter so long as I have them with me. And though I would like all these luxuries including the children, if I have to choose, I choose them.

Tomorrow we go to camp as a family. I should be packing! Have a great weekend!