Every month, there is one day where I am certain that my world will crash into a billion pieces and I will live the rest of my life in torment. I don't know why, but even with spending any energy I have left on logical reasoning, prayer, and searching for relief, my emotions don't care. They don't listen.
That was today.
My first possible blog post of the day was "Deadlines Only Drive Me To Craziness". I have about 20 things to do...pick up Savannah tomorrow, get ready for camping, prepare for a garage sale in a few weeks, sort clothes, move into new bedrooms...and don't let the laundry, dishes, or weeds get too out of control. Most days I can tolerate how behind I am, but today I had deadlines in my head. Deadlines that no one else cares about.
Secondly, "Everything Ticks Me Off". Facebook posts, mail, my children, and old memories. I'm sure there would be more if I had allowed myself more exposure.
Next, "DON'T Socialize Me". These days I argue and fight and scream inside at my demons left from being different. I know I am. Others may not see it too much because I've been told and trained to dress, act, speak, and think a certain way (which mostly sufficates me)... and if I open up to someone (mostly everyone) that has a normal brain, I am "corrected". Today, I wish that I would have had the luxury of learning to appreciate who God made me before anyone else could have told me that I was broken. These things are so hard to overcome.... on these days.
Finally, "I May Just Have A Panic Attack Because I Spent $260 On JUNK At Walmart". I must first say that when we were first married, I had to pinch every penny. Our circumstances have changed, but there is an emotional remembrance of the fear of spending money. Most money I spend is a need or a very reasonable want. It does not matter what is in the checking account, I still am scared. Especially when the bulk of my purchases were hot dog, chips, and other junk food that will be used up on a weekend of camping. If it was avocados and spinach, I might have felt better about it. Of course, this experience was exponentially worse since I was having "one of those days".
But we are, I'm sure, going to have a fantastic time camping. God heals my wounds, even when I allow them to be ripped open again. Tomorrow I'll realize all the things that ticked me off weren't really that bad, and....the work will still be there, and life will go on.
And by the grace of God, my children are still smiling and hugging me.
Thank the Lord, these days are days that I know what is in my head is not the truth and if I hang on, no matter how I feel, the peace will return.
Writing about this makes me feel better, but to thrust another jab at the lies in my head, I will end with four super things:
1. Sook insisted that we go somewhere again today. At first, I was mad that we had to do this because I have deadlines. But there was a small voice that told me it would be better not to fight it.
C.W. Parker Carousel Museum in Leavenworth, KS. Another on in the 8 Wonders of Kansas. This carousel ride was much better than any other I've experienced. FYI: They are having a birthday celebration on Saturday...but we will be camping.
2. Even though they try me.... I am so thankful for my children. And out of the blue they do things that make me love them even more. They have taught me so much about love, sacrifice, and innocent joy.
3. My husband sometimes makes me so very mad and I'm not sure how I can spend another second with him, but God never condemns him in my thoughts and does not allow me to complain to Him about Sook. And then I remember the grace God possesses and am in awe of how He is not mad at what he did. This only grows my love toward both God and Sook. Grace is the best thing I have ever known, on both the giving and receiving end.
4. I need people around me that force me to do things (camping) that I would never agree to if I didn't have to say "no". I'm trusting this will be better that I am imagining. Even if I am forced to eat hot dogs. The kids are beside themselves with crazy excitement.