Sunday, January 22, 2012


A few days ago, I sat and stared for a while in the center of chaos, unable to respond because I was bound by my emotions. I can't describe what they were. Somewhere between grief and envy and anger and hopelessness. When I snapped out of my trance, I still was bound. "Man, I'm messed up." I said out loud.

I didn't know how I got there and I wasn't sure how to get out of it. I had to, though. It was an old familiar feeling of lingering depression. Something that doesn't suit a mother of four very well.

For me, there is only one way out. God's love. And I say with caution that I'm free now.

During these times I over think about what is the source and how did this happen and oh, God spare my children. I will do anything to shield them from this fear. This explains my sensitivity to a child's emotional well being.

I thought: my life isn't tragic. I've never missed a meal and don't remember being bullied much. It has to come down to this: complaints and gossip. Could I be over analyzing? I don't think so.

Complaints and gossip, though I am guilty of both, are my worst fears. They are death to me.  They kill my spirit. I can take constructive suggestions and necessary, legit venting. Prayer requests are good and we can't deny that bad things happen. But if someone complains or gossips about anything, I immediately think if that was so bad, I surely have done worse. And if I am the subject? Devastation. Especially if it is not justified.

These simple slips of the tongue have trapped me for so many years.

And when I'm there, my soul is kidnapped and I am a shell in motion. I can't really help my family. I don't even think about those that are not under my nose. I don't want to do anything.

Demons haunting me.

Really? You ask. There are so many worse things out there.
I know, they are subtle and everyone does it. But think about it.

My fears turn to anger which turns to disappointment which turns to insecurity which turns to self, self, self which means I am not useful. I cannot fight. I cannot lift a hurting spirit, I cannot love the unlovable. I cannot rise above. I cannot even fulfill my obligations. And depression sets in.

And the demons have won. I cannot bless.

I have anticipated my friend's thoughts about her trip to Ethiopia (you should read it here)
and when they came, I couldn't even read it because I was too self absorbed. I didn't want to think about suffering around the world because I was so hurt. From gossip and complaining.

It took a few sleepless hours last night to come to the realization again that I am not what people say. I am who God made me. And the song lyrics, "I am free to love, I am free to dance" played in the background.

I struggle this way too often.

So my thought for the day is teach your child to hate gossips and complaints by not making them comfortable with them. Don't do them. Don't expose them to people that would if at all possible. Don't allow it to come from them. They are death. And they just may be the thing that will stop them from accomplishing mighty things.

Counter them with hope, love, and joy. Be faithful to friends and family, no matter what you are feeling. Promote peace. Speak blessings. These things will bring life. Life is a good thing.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue. -Proverbs 18:21

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