Last Week In Bullet Points

Tuesday:

• Piled in the car to go see Sook's family members on leave, without Sook, of course.
• During the drive it hit me that it was the week before Kansas's 151st birthday and we should do Kansas stuff.
• So I pointed out KU on the hill while driving by. I have never made a big deal about team rivalries but whenever the kids picked up on Kansas schools, they immediately asked me which school I like. So I told them that both Sook and I went to K-State so we prefer them. And they were hooked. I've tried to tell them KU isn't a bad school- it's just not my preferred school. Even so, simply pointing out a campus on a hill was sufficient for me. However.....
• We made a detour to drive through KSU. We DID NOT get out of the car. I just drove by almost all of the places I lived and the main buildings I studied in and the stadium. And I got lost only once, on account of ...it's been a while. And things have changed. I saw my Sunset house...yes, it's still there. They LOVED it.
• Spent quality time with the in-laws. And ate some good food.
• TWO minutes after we left for my parent's house, Summer said she had to use the bathroom. At night. So I stopped at the rest stop in the dark drizzle. No one else was there. They took forever. They were so goofy. I have to admit, I loved it.
• Thought for the day: time accomplishing nothing for the benefit of someone else is necessary, so you might as well roll with it.

Bill Snyder Family Stadium KSU

Wednesday:

• I don't remember much about this day since thinking about Tuesday exhausts me.
• It was beautiful and Max drove his John Deer Gator around all day long.
• Kansas weather is just crazy- and this year we are getting the better end of the craziness. Spring in January.
• We basically finished up school and shoved them outside. To enjoy Kansas outdoor fun.
• My sister came, too. Good times.
• Thought for the day: Sometimes ya just gotta shove 'em outside. And sometimes they learn more from that than they could in class.

Max's "creatara" taken last fall

Thursday:

• School in A.M.
• Brother and nephew came after lunch. :)
• Swimming .
• Crash.
• Thought for the day: Every single one of these children are so different, as was evident in swimming. Bold, persistant, scared, will try if you try..... Differences are good.

Friday:

• Trip to the Eisenhower museum in Abeline.
• Savannah remembers he was a 5 star general.
• Summer remembers his wife's jewelry.
• Brooke remembers he has an enemy named Hilter from Germany.
• And Max (I believe) remembers that there are a lot of really neat things to climb on that are just sitting there going to waste because no one will let him climb on anything there.
• I bought the "Eight Wonders of Kansas" book. I loved it. I want to see everything in it. Especially the largest ball of twine. And we did see one "wonder" on Friday!
• Ate at the Kirby House Restaurant. Because we could. The kids acted like...............kids.
• Max ran into the street and almost got ran over. In my attempt to catch him before he was hit, I pulled a muscle in the back of my leg. So we went back to the 'boro then to Et Cetra shop.
• Thought for the day: Field trips will never go as you think they should. Just be glad when they remember something. Anything.

Saturday:

• A packed day at the Kauffman Museum in Newton, Kansas celebrating Kansas's birthday! This celebration amazes me. I would say that everyone should go, but I'm a little selfish and think any more people and we wouldn't be able to squeeze in the door.
• Savannah is big now. She did so many things without me.
• I got my new book signed by the author. Bonus.
• We ate at Braum's. I wish they had Braum's here.
• At the end of the day I wondered, "How is it possible for them to have any energy at all?"
• Thought for the day: I love History. I never knew that before. There is a way to make History fun. Oh my, I love homeschool.

Sunday:

• Returned home. Loved on Daddy.
• It's Sunday. Have fun and relax.

Monday:

• Nothing was going my way so I said screw it all and let's go to the zoo.
• First we ate at Fritz's because it's in my 8 Wonders book. We all ordered a sandwich and shared two fries and drank water. $22!
• Max loved it.
• Wonderful day at the zoo but Africa! Why are you such a long walk?
• Summer lost her purse with her stuffed "party bear" in it. She loves her stuff. She cried.
• Her sisters wanted to use their money to buy a new bear......so they DO actually love each other!!
• And she hasn't put it down much.
• Just to make Daddy spaghetti for supper. That stuffed polar bear saved a whole lot of grief today. Sometimes we sabotage our own lessons. And sometimes that's okay.
• Sometimes homeschool is like taxes. We look for ways to get tax credit and spend money. We look for ways to learn while doing anything and everything. And it usually works for my hands on learners.
• Thought for the day: Don't ever think going to the zoo is slacking off. There will always be math, so it can wait another day.

Gotta love Meerkats

History Book Basket

This is suggested in our curriculum, but I think it's fantastic, so I thought I'd share it.


I made a spontanious run to Half Price Books today in order to find more for the last half of this year. I love book shopping.

I like to set aside 20 minutes a day, usually after lunch, to read any book they choose from this basket. Then I simply ask them what they learned.

They help me pick out some of the books. They choose what to read. They find something interesting. They learn.

And I have a 20 minute quiet time :).

A Time To

A time to give, a time to take.
A time to grow, a time to wither.
A time to start, a time to finish.

These keep entering my mind.

I see more and more that a time to leave is close. It's an experience that is exciting and heartbreaking all at once. But it's time. Very soon. And our new adventures will never begin until we finish this one.

I received, and I lost. Joy and heartache.
Memories were made. Good and bad. Both are cherished.

Stay humble, be patient, and the end will be wonderful. Don't embrace anger. It will cause you to do foolish things.

Humility is death to pride. Humility is waiting for your time. Humility is knowing it will come, but the exact day is out of your control. Patience is required, sometimes at the risk of looking foolish.

Some people raise children to have an answer for everything. Some people wish for their children to never suffer and never fail.

Humility and patience is a time to grow and a time to die. A time to win and a time to fail. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to be filled and a time to empty.

Making sense does not matter. Reaching the goal loses it's priority. Explanation is impossible.

In the end, it's the process that brings joy.

It's the lessons learned, the memories made, the moments cherished, and the relationships strengthened.

Watch the sunset. Smell the flowers. Just don't forget your sorrows.
Your sorrows, when cherished, will bring a true joy. A time of sorrows is not a time wasted.

No time should be wasted.

Always remember God because every pleasant thing will perish. God is good and will never perish.

Demons

A few days ago, I sat and stared for a while in the center of chaos, unable to respond because I was bound by my emotions. I can't describe what they were. Somewhere between grief and envy and anger and hopelessness. When I snapped out of my trance, I still was bound. "Man, I'm messed up." I said out loud.

I didn't know how I got there and I wasn't sure how to get out of it. I had to, though. It was an old familiar feeling of lingering depression. Something that doesn't suit a mother of four very well.

For me, there is only one way out. God's love. And I say with caution that I'm free now.

During these times I over think about what is the source and how did this happen and oh, God spare my children. I will do anything to shield them from this fear. This explains my sensitivity to a child's emotional well being.

I thought: my life isn't tragic. I've never missed a meal and don't remember being bullied much. It has to come down to this: complaints and gossip. Could I be over analyzing? I don't think so.

Complaints and gossip, though I am guilty of both, are my worst fears. They are death to me.  They kill my spirit. I can take constructive suggestions and necessary, legit venting. Prayer requests are good and we can't deny that bad things happen. But if someone complains or gossips about anything, I immediately think if that was so bad, I surely have done worse. And if I am the subject? Devastation. Especially if it is not justified.

These simple slips of the tongue have trapped me for so many years.

And when I'm there, my soul is kidnapped and I am a shell in motion. I can't really help my family. I don't even think about those that are not under my nose. I don't want to do anything.

Demons haunting me.

Really? You ask. There are so many worse things out there.
I know, they are subtle and everyone does it. But think about it.

My fears turn to anger which turns to disappointment which turns to insecurity which turns to self, self, self which means I am not useful. I cannot fight. I cannot lift a hurting spirit, I cannot love the unlovable. I cannot rise above. I cannot even fulfill my obligations. And depression sets in.

And the demons have won. I cannot bless.

I have anticipated my friend's thoughts about her trip to Ethiopia (you should read it here)
and when they came, I couldn't even read it because I was too self absorbed. I didn't want to think about suffering around the world because I was so hurt. From gossip and complaining.

It took a few sleepless hours last night to come to the realization again that I am not what people say. I am who God made me. And the song lyrics, "I am free to love, I am free to dance" played in the background.

I struggle this way too often.

So my thought for the day is teach your child to hate gossips and complaints by not making them comfortable with them. Don't do them. Don't expose them to people that would if at all possible. Don't allow it to come from them. They are death. And they just may be the thing that will stop them from accomplishing mighty things.

Counter them with hope, love, and joy. Be faithful to friends and family, no matter what you are feeling. Promote peace. Speak blessings. These things will bring life. Life is a good thing.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue. -Proverbs 18:21

Princess Party

I got an invitation today for a princess party.

I was to wear my fanciest dress......I didn't want to do it.

But I've said no enough.

It was to start at 2:05. I was three minutes late. And I heard about it. I apologized.

They had sandwiches and hot chocolate. They made me coffee. (it was way too strong).

They cleaned a small part of my basement, so the party was surrounded by boxes and laundry that needed to be folded.

Someone smeared peanut butter on my fancy dress. My coffee was spilled. We watched a movie about a princess and a unicorn. I did not take pictures.

You cannot imagine their excitement. Brooke sat on my lap. Summer put her head on my shoulder. Savannah beamed with pride. Max was a stinker.

They planned. They counted down the minutes until the starting time. They prepared. They worked together- and did not fight. They enjoyed it. They got me to sit down and just be there with them.

They didn't even mind cleaning up afterward.

Princess parties are good.

Ecclesiastes

This is my personal favorite book of the Bible. The meaning of life. I paraphrased it as to how it speaks to me today, at this part of my life. I am not a Bible scholar. I'm not trying to re-write the Bible. Solomon and the Holy Spirit say it perfectly. I, however, process it when I write. And I needed this today!

Nonsense. Everything is nonsense.

Does anything I do matter? I am one in billions and we will all die. Nature will continue to run it's course, but I will quickly be forgotten.

I can't change anything. People don't learn easily. They think in their youth they are wiser than presidents, but age will prove otherwise. Then they die and a new, ignorant generation starts.

I wanted the best life possible, so I bought self-help books and read the Internet articles to find the perfect way to do anything. The more I learned, the more I failed.

I thought maybe fun times would help. I went on vacation and got my hair done. I dressed up so people would notice me. I spent all my money to give me pleasure. All these things produced more work.

I said to myself:
As I age, I am wiser. I get impressive things and say witty remarks and get almost half way to the top at my peak. Then my body fails. I can't run as fast or endure marathons. And there I end up, as foolish as a baby.

I can build up organizations with all my wisdom, but what if I die? How do I know my purpose continues?  My successor may use everything I built for evil. Then all my work is worthless.

Sometimes we thrive. Sometimes we wither.
Some things we start. Some things we end.
We light a candle and snuff it out.
We cry, we laugh.
We gather, we give away.
We get new things, we use them up.
We speak at one time, and hold our tongue when we want to  scream.
We love the good and hate the evil- and sometimes it's all mixed together.

I suppose in eternity's eyes everything matters. The problem is we dont' get that view yet. So we should do what God puts in our hearts with a full commitment, then sit back and enjoy His blessings.

Everything matters to God. He takes our obedience as a small seed and breathes life into it, covers it with soil, sprinkles it with water, and it will flourish and multiply. This is what has happened from the beginning of time and will happen until the end.

Without God's spiritual seed of life, man is not different than the animals. They are born, they go through the motions, and they die. They see this and see the nonsense of life and begin to act like the animals they are. If they don't know that their spirit is different, why try?

Then I read the news of all of the bad. The bullied, the oppressed, the starving, the hate, the indoctrination of lies athat all lead to death. Who will help these? Is there any hope at all? Wouldn't it just be better to die?

Meanwhile others are cheating and greedily taking to obtain prosperity, keeping a blind eye to those that hurt. They work so hard for all they want and say, "we earned it so why would I share?" They do not realize that it is God who provides.

They bargin with God and don't hold up their end of the deal- and keep what is really a gift. So don't get mad at God if He takes it away.

It is better to fear God.

If I envy someone with a little more, and work day and night to attain it, I'll just end up envying someone with evern more. This lifesyle won't satisfy me.

All of my anbundance turns into a curse.

Everything carnal is enjoyed for a brief time, but then brings death.

So only look to God to satisfy, and have joy.

It's a shame when a man is born wealthy and has nothing to work for. His thanksgiving is not said and his wealth is not cherished. He does not know how to keep what he has and is burdened when someone else consumes it, or dies before he distributes it.

There are those that have everything- children, wealth, and honor, yet are not filled. Wouldn't it be better to be born dead?

If all we do is purely for survival of our flesh, our soul will never be satisfied. But when we have a desire, it is better to see it come to pass than to just sit around and think about it.

A man is only a man, with select privileges and limited time. He cannot overpower, out think, or manipulate God. He is too consumed with nonsense.

It is good to be honorable and die quickly before we mess it up.

Sorrow and sadness is necessary to increase honor. It hurts to be rebuked by someone wise and it feels good to hear foolish praise. It is better to hurt. Listening to lies that improve self esteem will only oppress you.

Stay humble, be patient, and the end will be wonderful. Don't embrace anger. It will cause you to do foolish things.

Wisdom makes life better, and is more helpful than knowledge alone.

Just don't think you are wiser than God.

But even righteousness will not produce satisfaction. Sometimes wickedness wins. Don't be too righteous. Or too wicked. Just. Fear. God.

No one is perfect. But learing from God improves the quality of life.

Some people hurt you. Don't think too much about it. Especially since you have hurt others as well and would like that to be forgotten.

Don't put your trust in a list of goals to attain perfect righteousness and praise from others. God has already made us perfect, but we have destroyed it by our own plans. Only wisdom from God will give a supernatural peace.

Don't get too worked up over those that have authority over us. Just obey them until there is an appropriate time of judgement from a wise man. Those in authority cannot bind your spirit. You can still pray all you want. Once you die, man's authority will end.

And we all die.

Anger, getting even, pride, and envy will destroy your life. So you might as well enjoy whatever life throws at you until you die.

Life, in general sucks. There is only hope in the Spirit of Life. Once you die, you don't get another chance. So why waste it on strife?


If you have to live in this nonsense anyway, you might as well take your family and work and wisdom and enjoy it. Then die.

Don't be prideful of your skills. Stay humble. You don't know the future, and you don't know all of your weaknesses. With wisdom, the weak can overtake the powerful.

Precious things can be spoiled easily. So leave fools alone. Stand for what you believe in.

Scheming may cause your own destruction so just stay the course. Be discerning whom you listen to. Be picky. Be wise. Be respectful. Don't lose heart in any circumstance because everything changes. You don't know everything so just trust God.

Watch the sunset. Smell the flowers. Just don't forget your sorrows.

Don't excuse stupidity for the young. It's better that they know God and learn early in life. Youth can be mighty in wisdom.

Always remember God because every pleasant thing will perish. God is good and will never perish.

The secret to a good, meaningful life is to love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.

My Guy

It was a day of mixed emotions, jumbled up plans, disorganization, and unrest. After lunch I decided continuing in this manner just won't do, so I put on a movie, went to my room, and shut the door.

Some days are just like that.

I wasn't sure if I would take a power nap or pray or just think. I started to doze after ten minutes or so when Max opened the door and let himself in.

"Mommy?" He interrupted politely. "I want a kiss."
"O.K. Max."
After receiving permission, he flashed a huge smile and ran over to my beside. *kiss*
"You go to sleep. O.K. Mommy?"
"O.K."

He ran to the door and shut it behind him. One half second later he opened it.
"Mommy? I want a hug."
"O.K. Max."
He ran over again. *hug*.
I gave him another kiss on the cheek.
"No, Mommy. You already kiss me."
"O.K. Max."
"Mommy, you go to sleep."
"O.K."
He ran back to the door and shut it. And opened it.


"Mommy? I sleep with you?"
"O.K. Max." I giggle.
"Move. I sleep on pillow."
"Max! This is my pillow. What am I going to use?"
He ran to his room and brought his pillow. "You use that one." I obliged.
He laid down and pretended to sleep.
I did the same thing.
"No! You can't smile." He didn't like my fake sleeping.

Then he put my face in his hands, tilted my head back, and looked up my nose.
"No boogers." he reported.

He got out of bed and picked up my journal.
"Here your facebook".
"Thank you."

He ran to his room and brought his favorite book, "Away in the Manger".
"You read my facebook".

So I did. About ten times.

Sometimes I wonder why I was ever upset or nervous about having a fourth child. I just can't imagine life any other way.

Love Me

I have a secret.

Most of any parenting wisdom I have attained came from my mother. And since she is "mothering" my niece, have the benefit of mothering alongside my own mother. I'm not sure how I could do this without her. All of the circumstances - the good, the bad, and the ugly have worked for my profit, and the profit of my children.

We have recently been discussing love languages in our children. She is reading the book. I'm not. But the topic seems to come up often.

So I thought about mine. Gifts? No. Quality time? Maybe. Acts of service? Possibly. Touch? Absolutely not. Words of Affirmation? Doubt it.

Nothing suck out to me. So I thought reeeeaaaally hard about when I've felt loved. All of these five things are important to me, but any one I can excuse as "they had to" or "they didn't really mean it".

I finally figured out when I feel loved.

When someone knows all of me and still loves me, still believes in me, and acts on my behalf. When I don't have to pretend or prove anything and love is not diminished one bit.

I'm not asking for much.............

And I honestly didn't think I knew anyone that loved me like this- until recently. So I didn't feel loved. Seriously. Yet I know I was. I just didn't feel it.

And then I found out that that's how God loves me. He's seen all kinds of ugly, yet sees who He made me to be. He fights for me. He calls His angels to work on my behalf. He never discarded my future accomplishments that He wrote for me. He has a storeroom of blessing that he's waiting to give to me.

I'm not well read. I can't spell.....I want you to write.
I've never changed a diaper.......I want you to be a mother.
People don't seem to understand what I'm trying to say.........I want you to teach.
Talking to people frightens me..........I want you to show people my love by loving them yourself.


I can love because He loves me.

After this reality sunk in, it changed me and most of my relationships. It changed how I looked at people and talked to people and understood people.

And now after years of trying harder and getting angry and justifying and fear and feeling rejected, I feel loved by my husband. I don't know if he changed or I changed or I changed how I treated him so he changed how he treated me, but now I know. He works harder and longer than I thought anyone could. Then he comes home to messy kids and leftovers and. just. smiles.

My wish is for everyone to know they are loved like this.

When a heart is cold as ice
You can't melt it with advice
No one wants to listen to
A list of things they shouldn't do
So I build a city on a hill
And I light a candle on a sill
Knowing You'll be always knocking at the door
Oh God I just want to love on everyone
All I have is Yours to give so let the people come

 I'm not there yet, but I'm a whole lot closer now than I was before.

When Emotions Stir

Y'all know how we women can get once and a while.

Right now, I'm on the verge of a pity party. There are a few things that I miss. Like my husband. When will I ever see him again? When will we be alone for more than a few minutes? And...do I dare dream of a date? Or even more absurd a vacation?

And my girlfriends. How I miss my days or nights with you uninterrupted, laughing till I cry!

Shopping and actually taking the time to try something on. In a nice store. (even if it is clearance)

A clean house? A house that I can actually get clean? That I can sit in a room and study in order to decorate appropriately?

What if I tried to actually do my hair again? Would I do it? Would I even know how?

I'm on the verge. Yet in my heart I hold my four favorite past times. And I think there may be some more for me in the future- some way some how.

Given the choice, I would not change my place in life. I may change a few things about my husband's work schedule, but he says not to complain about having work.

As I selfishly peer into the what if's of a different life, my devotion's sidebar provides this quote:

We have no right to decide where we should be placed, or to have preconceived ideas as to what God is preparing us to do. God engineers everything; and wherever He places us, our one supreme goal should be to pour out our lives in wholehearted devotion to Him in that particular work. “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might . . .” (Ecclesiastes 9:10).
                                                                                                               -Oswald Chambers

So I am swept back into the desire to pour my heart into whatever God made me for, which is something I have not completely figured out yet. Pity party over.

The Love Of Children

As I mentioned yesterday, I read "Heaven is For Real" for kids. One of the main themes was that Jesus really, really, really loves children. As I was reading this to my girls, I look up to see Max climbing to the very top of his easel, about 4 feet off the ground, flashing my an ornery grin. And I told myself, "Jesus really loves children".

I've told myself that many times today.

Jesus loves children when they are too giggly and rowdy to pay attention. Jesus loves children when they spill spaghetti on the floor. Jesus loves children when they are dancing silly. Jesus loves children when they climb up the back of the couch and flip over- over and over and over again.

Jesus loves children when they insist on making snow ice cream even when there is only a fourth of an inch of snow on the ground, and experimenting with flavorings and food colorings. Jesus loves children when they have to play in the running bathtub water. Jesus loves children when they pick all the flowers in my back yard. Jesus loves children when they scream with glee at the sunset. Jesus loves children when they play with their parents and say, "doagain" one hundred times.

Jesus loves their innocence, their weakness, their sense of wonder, their trust, their lack of coordination, and their appreciation for the little things.

Some of the things that can frustrate me the most is what Jesus loves the most.

Children are a privilege, not a burden.

God, help me to love children like you do.

For Real

Today I read the kid's version of "Heaven is for Real" to my children. I cried. I always cry during things like that so Savannah had to finish it for me.

It hit me how I marveled at a three-year old's account of heaven and the similarities of it's description in the Bible. Why would I marvel at that?

I mean, it's all right there in the Bible, the book that I claim to take as God's word. This has happened since college. Before that, I don't know if I had an actual conversation with God. More like, "I know He's out there.......somewhere...." And then when I really needed Him He showed up and it shocked me.

We see the things of God as mysteries. And some things He has kept mysterious to us. However, so many things are plain as day on the pages in front of me. God is for real. God's love is for real. The hugeness of God is for real. The wonderfulness of God is for real.

Yet it is so hard for me to just accept. As I've pondered these things I've concluded we've been lied to so much and have not questioned those lies that the real truth is so unreal. We pray and ask God to fix our problems and immediately doubt that he'll answer us. Yet we get mad at God when it looks like He didn't. Who lies to us? Satan. The author of lies. It says so in the Bible. Satan is for real.

Do you know why I cry when I read about how much God loves me? Because it's so hard for me to believe. I've done some bad things in my life. On my own, I am certainly not worthy of my relationship with God. But really the lies I've been told were nothing about what I've done, rather whom I was. And what do those lies accomplish? Stopping mighty things dead in their tracks.

Now I know God has done and will do mighty things through me, as anyone who is willing. But if I had not overcome the lies, I would be easily defeated. But God is big, and he already won so I don't have anything to fear. It says so in the Bible.

Believing lies hides our immense blessings. When compared to many in the world and even more in our history, I've got to be in the .001% of the most blessed people ever born. And with that comes responsibility. But unless I realize this, I cannot take that responsibility.

But even if I wasn't living in these blessings, I still would have the benefits of salvation available to me, which is worth more than ten million bucks.

And that is why complaining is so offensive to God (the Bible says so).

So what I want is to live as though nothing God has told me comes as a surprise because it is reality. And anything that is contrary to God's promises is what I doubt. I want to stop crying whenever God speaks to me, because that is what He does. And I want my children to learn to expect answered prayers, victories, and the realizations of their life as an adopted child of God. For if I live like that, they will more likely see it as real.

I want to know what is real.

January

I love a new year. Time to realign a few things.

My kids were complaining about how boring school is. Yikes. I have spent a bunch of time this last six months on the house and less on making school fun. And just in case you are wondering- yes, I think it should be. But then again, life happens.

For instance, yesterady we studied Vermont. Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream is based out of Vermont. So guess what we had for dessert? We also bought pure maple syrup.

Can you believe I have not been to my home town zoo since before my children were born? I've been to many zoos. Just not this one. I think that I've been so timid to take everyone out by myself to places I'm not familiar with. A few days ago I realized that they are older now and that maybe I should be a little more adventurous. And I'm glad I was. Today was grand.

And one more thing. I've said it before and I'll say it again. After my brain darn near explodes from dreaming and planning and prioitizing, what really matters is that my home is a comfort to my family. Not let's see how much math we can do or how super mom-ish I can be (total phasad, by the way) just let's bring up happy kids with a strong mind and compassionate heart.

I know that hard knocks make a person stronger, but I don't believe that it is the intention. It's not plan A. It is simply making the best out of a not so perfect situation. I believe a strong mind starts with security. Extra long hugs in the morning. Positive outlooks. Filling love tanks. High expectations implemented with loads of grace. These are the things that will prepare little lives for the inevidable hard knocks. This is what really matters.

So this year I simply want to lay the foundation and see where it takes us.

Spaghetti

No. This is not a recipe.

It's way too late and I should be sleeping but even if I'm not sleeping I should be doing something else.

I've been away too long. I started school last week but in my mother's house and that is never the same as here so I should have a good idea of what I'm going to eat and how this will all go down tomorrow and how I'm going to fit in a few stops for shopping.

And I don't want to think about money but if I'm shopping I have to and then I start re-writing the entire budget in my mind because it does need to be done at some point but if I started now I'd be up till 3.

My husband tentatively is working 16 hour days for the next three weeks and getting four or five hours of sleep a night so I feel super guilty for being strung out with my eight- maybe seven relaxing hours of sleep and wishing he was here to help. Yet so very thankful he has work and can work.

My heart aches at the injustices in the world and stories of hate and even worse "Christians" showing hate and the little children and babies unwanted and oh how I want one and what am I thinking? Yet excitement for how God works and wants awesome things done.

The day has arrived. I found four grey hairs. It's been a year since I've done anything significant to my hair and every month I think I've gotta get this done and it's certainly not getting anything done before February since I will be with my kids 24/7 as usual yet more since Sook is not available.

And I really should do something about exercise.

And we are adding French and more field trips and hands on crafts and Brooke is finally ready to start her curriculum and Max needs a sensory box or something and he also insists on doing his math every day since everyone else does.

And my Christmas tree is still up.

Spaghetti. Savannah and I both have to do this cause her mind is just as wound up as mine. Just let go of all the worries and tension and be spaghetti.

One night I tried this and instantly I saw myself just lying there in cup-shaped palm of a super sized hand, not worried about anything because my complete trust was in that hand. It carried me over the mountains and oceans and through the sky. I felt like I was six again. It was nice.

So good night. Time for me to become spaghetti. Right after my shower.