Oxymoron

I'm not sure why, but I was thinking about feedback that a preceptor gave me in college. She called me "methodical". I was confused, because I thought she said "mythodical". Later I understood what she meant.

I have spent hours trying to figure out what was it about me that made her think I was methodical, and why did my instructor say that with such interest? Is it weird to be methodical? Or did she not believer her?

I am methodical in how I do things. I really think them through, and most of the time I like my tasks to have a solid purpose- and sometimes two at once. I want order, everything to have it's place. When I work, I want to dot my I's and cross my T's. It annoys some people. I am completely anal as a dietitian. Most of us are :). I love schedules and policies that keep me in line. At work, I am super duper productive, because I am super duper methodical.

However, when I looked up "methodical", these were the similar adjectives listed: orderly, planned, ordered, structured, regular, disciplined, organized, efficient, precise, neat, deliberate, tidy, systematic, meticulous, painstaking, businesslike, well-regulated .

Bahaaa haaa haaa!

And these were the antonyms: confused, disordered, disorderly, random, casual, chaotic, irregular, haphazard, unmethodical.


That's more like it.

My theory is that I am so methodical that in a calm environment I thrive. In a chaotic environment I drown. Mostly because I am so busy planning how to do things, I don't get to the doing- at least not in the way I had planned.
 
4 loud kids, stuff everywhere, 20 things to do at once, I'm too fat, lost keys, ADD, spilled milk, dirty diaper, no clean forks, should I work out?, ice cream sounds good, did they learn enough today? I'm exhausted.
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Several years ago, we took a spiritual gifts test in church. My top 3 included "mercy" and "prophecy",
 
Mercy: A heart to care for and encourage those who are not able to care for themselves and whom no one else would care for. Knowing who to help and when to help.


Prophecy: The God-given ability to receive a message from God to edify, exhort and comfort the Body of Christ or a believer. To speak the Truth as moved by the Holy Spirit. Most prophesying statements do not contain predictions about the future.

The pastor concluded that one person would never have both of these giftings as their strongest, because one is compassionate while the other is speaking truth, which is convicting. hmmm. Did I do it wrong?

I see myself going back and forth, frustrated with someone, then full of compassion. Tough love, then turning the other cheek. I am so confused.
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I love the city, I love the country. I want to be unique, but I don't want to draw attention to myself. I  love people, but struggle with pursuing friendships.



I am an oxymoron. But in the midst of my confusion, something is working. I'm going to have to give this all to God again, because if I do that, maybe I'll stop trying to figure it all out and just get something done.