Saturday, December 11, 2010

What I Want

A few months ago, I had a positive pregnancy test. That's not a good thing since I had a tubal ligation after Max was born. It was either a tubal pregnancy or a miscarriage.

I was overwhelmed by the feeling of guilt. Did I do the wrong thing? It made a whole lot of sense at the time to prevent another pregnancy but..... I cried a lot. I asked God to somehow save this baby. Even if I didn't want it at the time, I would be thankful for him or her someday. However, I am not pregnant, so whatever that was did not result in a new child, at least not here on earth.

During this confusing time, God asked me, "what do you want?"

Good question. I didn't know how to answer that. I'm used to just going where life takes me. I needed some time to think about that. The last two months have been full of soul searching.

Many circumstances have changed. This is not the way I thought it would go. Ever.

Do you have moments where you just know something is going to happen- not because you will it to happen but when everything just seems to fall into place in an uncanny way? That's what's happening. Now I want what seems to be happening to happen, but there is not evidence of it...just a hunch...or a leading...

Ellie is moving. I just came to a point where I was so busy that she is probably better off with my parents. I'm sure that I will be relieved, but yet miss her terribly. Sook's business took a hit and he's not sure he wants to replace the work. He's thinking about changing careers. So it dawned on me one day, why not move? We can then still see Ellie and help out my parents (and they can maybe help us out too! nights??) I started to get excited.

Then I thought, where would I love to live? Maybe near my Grandma's place? I'd have to build a house? I had just told Sook that I didn't ever want to build. Not like we can afford it anyway, but just for the heck of it I started looking at housing plans and saw ONE out of hundreds that I loved within 20 minutes. But after analyzing it for a few days I thought that some of the rooms looked a little small...and then found the exact same house plan only bigger!!!   I can see myself in it..the dining room would be an art room instead and the living room would be a music room. I'd also want a plant room on the side of the nook. But that won't happen right away. Maybe never, but it's just so uncanny. Oh, and I've looked at the land I'm interested in building it- love it. (I'm also picking out paint and flooring just so I'll be ready if and when..)

I have written a children's book series on cooking over the last few years, not for the intention of publishing, but it was fun for the kids. It has just been hanging over my head, always coming back to my mind..I should just go ahead and send it in.. I finally got one book sent to a publisher! It may be that this will be my first rejection, but still, I sent it! And while I was searching for publishers that take unsolicited submissions, I ran across a book contest for adult readers so I entered it, too. If nothing else, I'm having a great time. I'm hoping it's more, though.

I want my husband to love his job.
Financial freedom.
Time with extended family.
Resources to help others.
Wide open spaces!
To be content.
To travel.
To have the freedom to love life, doing what I love with those I love.

It is much clearer to me now. So, now we wait. And pray. And get my house ready to sell just in case Sook would find a great job in that neck of the woods. And brace myself to leave my home and friends here.

Oh, and as for more babies? I am completely content with my four. Although if a miracle happened, we would love it. Just not more tubal pregnancies, please.

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