It has been ten days since I returned from my long- awaited vacation. I knew that I needed on badly, to get away and find a fresh perspective, to spend alone time with my husband, to have a little fun, and to spend time with old friends and get to know some new ones. It has come and gone- the best two weeks I've had in a good while, and what I have gained is not completely what I expected.
Refreshed- yes, but came back to less money and more work.
Time alone with my husband- yes, and I learned that we can spend two weeks alone together and still like each other.
People- my love for people has only grown, and so has my heartache for reasons I don't think I should mention here nor do I think I could effectively communicate. My friends, I love the fact that I have friends all over the world that I believe will be friends until I die- and perhaps even after.
A new perspective- oh, my. I would say yes, but I cannot even tell you what it is. Currently, it is disillusionment.
I know nothing. Nothing makes sense to me, there is no easy answer to anything. I don't even want to write because I have nothing to say (but I did because it is therapeutic).
I still love Jesus. Possibly the only thing I can grasp hold of, that and the promise that God is my provider and my peace.
After I returned, God seemed to refresh my memory of all the ideas and dreams I've had, which seems cruel because I can't do them. I'm raising four kids on a shoestring. Homeschooling, none the less. And God, you keep telling me to care for the ones that can't care for themselves when I don't think there is an ounce of money or energy left to give.
One (or two) hand fulls of things around the house need significant attention, my kids need to be fed, the world is hurting, and I know nothing.
If there is something that I can recall from the various thoughts these last ten days, it is that the dreams and visions God has given me don't go away in hard times. I have learned so much about what was wrong about my character, work ethic, and theology, and I'm sure that He's not done with me yet. Until He says, I keep living and learning. Or more accurately, changing my character to match His. Then maybe he will fulfill what I thought should already be done.
And so this is what I know through my faith that God knows what He is doing:
Righteous living produces love (believing all things, hoping a things, enduring all things), joy (in any circumstance), peace (which can produce generosity), patience (Lord, help me), kindness (to those that turn your stomach because you have chosen righteousness), faithfulness (not fair-weather), gentleness (revenge is mine, saith the Lord), and self control (these two words have been most responsible for making me a hypocrite).
Anything else is not the right path.
This is what I painted over by bed yesterday, I thought it is a terrific reminder. And a great way to procrastinate from cleaning.
Praise the Lord.