I used to think that it was honoring God to talk about my shortcomings and show how He still came through for me. Then I was perceived as someone who needed therapy. Or at least encouragement for some self esteem elevation. Somehow I managed to draw the attention back on to myself and not to exalt God.
My self esteem is just fine- if that's what you want to call it. I know well what my strengths are as well as my weaknesses. I also know I am so far from perfection in my own self. I probably know this because I think too much.
I know that even if I am good at something, I can still learn something more to do better. Always. So I will never attain perfection even in my strengths. I know that if I am around a group of critical people and leave before anyone else, they will discuss my downfalls. I know my enthusiasm is sometimes mistaken for boastfulness. I know I am misunderstood at times, and at times I fail those that put too much faith in my works. I know that I am learning day by day, so if I think that I have figured out one thing that works, it may be only for that season in my life- just for where I am currently. In a few years, however, a greater wisdom will have carried me forward. Therefore I cannot assume myself an expert on anything.
And even though these things bother me from time to time, I know that none of them matter. At least I know that now that I have had a glimpse of God's love for me.
From Ephesians 3:
14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
And know that I have an idea of God's love, I can have confidence that I have an all powerful, all loving God in my corner. It is no longer an obligation to live for Him, but a privilege to take part in the adventure of faith that is a sure win and exhausts all doubts.
"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way he loves us."
I want nothing more. So when an opportunity presents itself to give, combined with compassion and passion from the Holy Spirit... oh, what an honor to be a part of blessing the socks off someone else.
And if the particular method of blessing is giving, I am relieved because giving does not take beautiful words or the right appearance. The action itself says it all. This is when God takes what I have to give and makes it something beyond measure to someone else.
I think too much. I know all too well what is against me. And none of it matters.
From Romans 8:
31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
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