The Good Things

When I was a kid, I would lie awake at night for what seemed like hours. It's not really a problem anymore (big surprise). However, it is funny how the strange kid struggles affect our decisions as parents. I cannot go to sleep knowing that my children are awake.

This little boy is wide awake, therefore, so am I. I am too tired to do something productive, so I watch him. He makes things with his plastic tools and makes mouth sounds with every move. Mouth sounds are very important. When he gives me a present to open, if I do not do the mouth sounds, he corrects me and just opens the darn thing for me.

Max: Now I am going to make a cake. (mouth sounds) Now I am going to put glue on it.
Me: On your cake?
Max: No. It's your cake. (mouth sounds) now I use a saw.

I'm tired, but amused. He loves to cook. He also loves his tools. Such a dude.

Four is a great age, in my opinion. He is mature enough to observe so much, and still a cutie pie.

He is also a stinker.

 (He just built me a table so I can eat my cake)

If there is a point to this, I'd like to tell you about some good things in my life, smack dab in the poorest days I've had.

1. My kids barely feel it. Whether it be hand-me-down clothes, (we home school- yeah, they think hand-me-downs are awesome), a fun outing with friends, Grandma and Grandpa's (a list of its own), or excitement out of doing things we have to in order to survive- like baking our own bread. Lots of bread. They are not at a loss for good times. This is due to people that are intentionally or unintentionally used by God, I have no doubt.

2. We get to be more creative. It's funny what we complained about when we had what we wish we had now. Thank God he put it on my heart before this struck to learn to be content. Now, we just roll up our sleeves and get creative. That is kinda fun. I hope it is not forgotten soon.

3. We are better at prioritizing. All of our resources have purpose when used correctly. Like time, money, and the things I bought when I had money. For example, in the past I might have made two trips away from home on a day like today: one to run errands and one to go to the birthday party. Instead, we did them all in one trip and saved a little gas.

4. I am more understanding to others that are hurting. That is self explanatory, I believe. Maybe God will use this when I am filled again.

5. I get to see God at work. He speaks, then he works. Sometimes he is quiet. I wonder if he is waiting to see if I will give up or gear up. Then, he speaks, he works. My redeemer speaks, than works. Job 19:25. Yes, God's word is alive and active in me. Is there anything more exciting?

I don't write these things to put a spotlight on my trials. I write because I know there is victory.

I think my boy is sleeping, and so must I. Here are some beautiful moments from September:

Anguish

Few times in my life have been reserved for this feeling. I believe anguish is a symptom of hopelessness. Hopelessness is a result of unfulfilled expectations.

During those times, though, I would flip furiously through my Bible and search for treasures that would get me through the next few moments. I found bunches of them, underlining scriptures, writing thoughts, and wearing out the covers in the process.

That is where I fell in love with Him. In anguish.

This is what He told me, over and over:
"My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither my ways your ways", says the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. -Isaiah 55:8-9

I did not understand how appropriate these verses were at the time.

In the middle of it all, nothing makes sense and I would give anything for something to stand on.

Then, after so long a time, something changes. Sometimes it is circumstances. Sometimes it is perspective. Sometimes, expectations.

We have lost the ability to look at things with a long term conclusion. After all, the best stories are the ones where we cannot figure out the ending, where we think there is no hope and suddenly there is. Can we trust that the ending is good?

In our recent hardship, we have had unbelievable peace. Most of the time. However, anguish has appeared to me in small doses. I don't want to talk about those times. But this is what God told me:

You prayed for this. You did not want a life of selfish, barely getting by. You wanted to learn to live fully, to not be dependent on material things. Trust me: you will get through this, and you will come out better than when you started.

In no way am I saying God is responsible for the bad things in our lives, but he does have a way of letting us see how bad things can be without trusting Him, which will eventually deepen our love for Him. I also think He delights in giving us a challenge to strengthen our own faith. We are still in this horrible world. The beauty of it all, though, is that He says that He will work all things for good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). And yes, I love Him. And yes, when I come out of my anguish, I see things differently. I see the bigger picture. I see the joy that is greater than the pain of anguish.

I wonder, while it breaks His heart to see us in pain, how does God feel when we have a triumphant victory? We cannot have that victory if there is no pain.

From what we know, this time is not completely over for us. But we also know that this is a small speck on the timeline of our lives and eternity. This is part of our story, our adventure, our quest to understand what is the fullest life possible. What is it like to not fear? How far can we go thinking like that? How many great stories will we be able to tell when it is all said and done? If this is accomplished, my anguish is worth it. My scars are precious.

What I Wish I Would Ignore

In my thoughts the other day, I asked God why it was so hard for moms, particularly (but not limited to) stay at home moms, to understand their own value. We say it, some of us, but to really believe that doing dishes and laundry and making sure everyone brushed their teeth day after day is a noble task is nearly impossible.

The answer was clear as a bell to my soul, but less likely as eloquent coming from my fingertips. It was more of a picture than a sentence. But at my attempt to interpret, I think it is because we are looking for the wrong results.

We seek approval or evidence of accomplishment. A paycheck is nearly instant gratification, even an annual eval is something to work toward. But here I sit after a day much longer than 8.5 hours with no physical evidence of accomplishment and completely exhausted.

But God reminded me that He did not create us for deadlines and paychecks. He didn't make our children to become star athletes or make the honor roll. Even though these things are not bad, that is not how He measures our worth.

"Worthy are You, our Lord and our God, to receive glory and honor and power; for You created all things, and because of Your will they existed, and were created."- Revelations 4:11

Our lives are for a fairly simple purpose. To just be the creation that we were meant to be. Can we take pleasure in simply being? Working out of necessity, yes. But in the midst of simply being? Can we let God take pleasure in that? I think it sounds delightful.

Incidentally, immediately after God answered the question that I was certain would take weeks to answer, our art class solidified my celestial conversation. The lesson began by comparing Hans Christian Anderson's The Emperor's New Clothes to modern art. Rather than thinking for themselves, people have depended on the popular vote to dictate what is good.  The author continues:

"Art was intended to be sublime, to make us feel better about ourselves and to be uplifting, elevating man to a higher level. Art was intended to touch our hearts; to inspire us to think on those things which are good an pure. It seems as if with today's art, our hearts are set aside. Instead, the mind, or the intellect is what art strives to captivate."- Berry Stebbing, God and the History of Art

In light of viewing ourselves as the creation and God as the artist, our critics, including ourselves, are taking the focus off the original intent of who we were made to be. My friends, there is glory in the seemingly dull repetition of our days.

Our lives are a story- the best kind, where the climax proves to be uncertain to the mind, but to the heart, relentless hope that the ending will be sweeter than imagined. An annual evaluation only would ruin the ending, and assigning an hourly wage would cheapen the experience, no matter the price.

And God takes pleasure in it, if we will let Him.

I want to ignore the opinions of others screaming the foolishness of this. I want to erase the magazine-inspired standards of homemaking, the process of success, the intellectual analysis of every stinking thing. Why do we need full articles written about a celebrity's choice of shoes? It is ruining this canvas.

I want to escape the need get a pat on the back or double digit "likes" on a post. God doesn't care about these things. Instead, HE is worthy of glory and honor produced in our lives by simply basking in the act of being.

In typical God fashion, this principle is inescapable if any value is put on His written word. I am reminded of one of my favorite verses:

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? - Matthew 6:28-30

Let us have faith that in being who God created us to be, and living the story He has written for us, we will be bringing glory to God, and living an incredibly beautiful life.

Annual Homeschool Blog Post

Every year, there is a brief homeschool/ non-homeschool mama pecking of the wounds.

It's kinda like being a dietitian. You tell someone, then they think you're a food Nazi.

You tell someone you homeschool, they get defensive because they think you think you are superior.

So here's the truth. This is why I homeschool:

God told me to. Yep, God talks to me. He told me to. Maybe He told you to, maybe not. If He did not, don't do it. I didn't grow up dreaming of having four children surround me fifteen hours a day and messing up any hope of sanity. One day, I walked into a meeting, rolling my eyes at the homeschooling speaker, and coming out a believer.  My mind was made up and I have never regretted it. That's my story.

You see, there are some things I didn't know about myself when my oldest was four. I didn't know it, but God did.

First, I didn't know that I would love teaching- and that I am good at it. I remember thinking how hard teaching must be. Truth is, I'd rather teach than clean. Homeschooling is great cleaning procrastination.

Second, I was spared elementary school Post Traumatic Stress. I'm pretty sure if I had to drop off any of my kids at a school, I'd go home and curl up in a fetal position. I'd rather avoid that than spend some time in peace and quiet. I have issues.

In addition, I failed school the first time around- not literally, but relatively speaking. I could have done so much better under different circumstances. Now I get to know-- really, really know what I missed. I also get to know that I am smart.....er than I thought I was. God knows I needed that.

To be brutally honest, I'm introverted and I would rather avoid highly social activities. Birthday parties of classmates, listening to moms sitting around, talking about how their kids are too smart for the gifted program, while my son sticks straws up his nose and my daughter tells me one of her favorite hobbies is making funny faces at strangers. I like my little bubble. I like that I don't even subconsciously compare my kids with others. I like it that I can almost always hand pick the social activities we participate in. I'm in my comfort zone. And my kids are free to be completely goofy. I like that because.... well, it's free entertainment.

I have an excuse to buy paint and Sharpies, because any, and I mean any lesson can be turned into an art project. I can color with Sharpies and call it serious business.

Free labor. I teach cooking classes so they will make their own lunch. And they think it's fun.

I'm not a morning person.

No one is telling me where to be and when to be there. And if I get bored or overwhelmed, I can pack everyone up and go on a spontaneous field trip. Or a spontaneous trip to Grandma's for a few days.

My kids don't see what all the other kids have and want it, so I save a lot of money.

My kids love me and show it openly. You see, they don't know there is any other option, because I have brainwashed them.

There are a few other reasons like my kids get to learn at their own pace and I get to choose what and when they learn.... but mostly, it's because God loved me so much and knew exactly what I needed. It may look like a holier than thou sacrifice, but it really is just what was best for me, which is different than most of the people surrounding us.

Some Days, All I See is Gray Hair

And cellulite.  And then I worry about it and because of my worry I am absolutely sure that more gray hair just popped through my scalp.

How did I get to be such a negative thinker? How do I channel all kinds of negative and dooms day predictions on myself?

Well, I could tell you of all my bad experiences. They tend to justify my fears. Then, they make them worse. Indulging in self pity is like digging further down in a dark cave when you could just turn around and walk out.

You know what? What should have been the best years of my life were stolen away and replaced with blurs of sleepless nights, too little money, and a constant mess. Now, I have gray hair. In fact, I don't even remember how to "do" hair. And to think, all of my woes were due to four (and sometimes five) babies.

Wait. What? The moment I regret one second of not being a young beauty queen with a spotless house as a result of the ones I love... well, that means something is wrong. I would never hit the restart button if that meant living without one of these children (or my husband..).

I see beautiful, gray-haired women all of the time. I also see beautiful blonds and brunettes that have gray hair under that color. Life is not over.

This summer has had the potential of being one of the worst ever- and some days I give in and fall into my self pity. But for the most part, thank God, I have had joy.

Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say, rejoice!- Phil 4:4

I love how Paul can say this, even when his circumstances didn't look great. Worse than mine, in fact.

And he wouldn't have said it if it were not possible.

On the fourth of July, we went to my parents' house. We had a cookout, waited for dark, and shot off some fireworks. It was a moonless night... very black. We were in the country, away from the house. I could see more stars than one can in the city, or even on a typical night in the country. They were everywhere. But something else caught my eye. Fireflies. Not just one here or there, but near the creek and around the cottonwoods, thousands. Tens of thousands, likely. I have never seen anything like it. I stood there for a good ten minutes in awe. The fireworks were fabulous. But the stars and fireflies were majestic.

And all I had to do was be in the right place and be still.

I wonder how many blessings I miss out on because I refuse to be still and prefer to worry. My biggest enemy steals my joy, kills my peace, and destroys goodness. And that is why it is better to rejoice always. That is the way to abundant life.

And now, because I could not get a picture,
and because of my firefly friends,
and because worry is a lie,
and with it everything is never as it seems (even while awake),
and just because it makes me happy:

Dishes

What is one thing that always needs to be done?

Dishes. And laundry, but I'm tackling one thing at a time.

Every appliance in my house is old, including my dishwasher. One day I was fretting over the fact it will finally fail soon- and then it hit me. Dishwashers are really a luxury. A want, not a need.

Slowly, I began to accept the idea of hand washing my dishes instead of using the dishwasher. I have to wash them ahead of time, anyway, and if I don't, the whole load ends up dirtier than before the machine washed them.

Then I started to get excited about it. Before we had a dishwasher growing up, I gained memories of drying dishes next to my mom- I remember kind of liking it :)

 

 

 



Currently, our mission is to wash dishes after each meal. I have reduced their chores to three a day after meals in order to focus on developing this habit. One girl sweeps the kitchen, one cleans off the table (everyone is responsible for taking their own plate to the sink), and one helps me do the dishes. Max vacuums under the table.

The very first thing we do is rinse and scrape as clean as possible, stacking dishes according to wash order.

If something- especially pots and pans- are extra greasy, I sprinkle some baking soda on it to soak up the grease. ( I put it in a small mason jar with a few holes poked in the lid).

We use this homemade soap.

The first sink is for washing. I like to soak them a few minutes before washing if needed. The water is as hot as tolerated, with a few squirts of soap.

Glasses first, silverware second, then dishes and baking pans.

Second sink is for rinse. I pour a little vinegar in the hot water because it helps with reducing water marks and greasy dishes. I love my soap, but it is not sudsy like the store brand and does not always get rid of grease. Vinegar does help. Lemon juice works as well.

Place on racks to dry. If possible, it is most sanitary to air dry. It's also less work :) Otherwise, towel dry. Make sure they are completely dry before putting dishes away in order to prevent bacteria growth.

It is best when we put some music on and work together, and then it is done- no waiting for the dishwasher to finish. I'm loving the elimination of the dishwasher!

Why I Love Refried Beans

When we would go to Wichita, dinner was at La Chanitas. I would get some sort of combo including refried beans with shredded lettuce and mild salsa. Since then, I've always loved refried beans.

Pork burgers. Like hamburgers but oh my gosh so much better at the county fair in the Pork Producer's booth.

Grilled T-bones. I seldom eat these at a restaurant because his were always the best.

I also blame him for my unhealthy love for ice cream. Braum's.

Dads make great memories.

I had a preventative talk with Savannah about boys the other day. I said she didn't need to worry about dating and boys until she was ready to get married, which will be for a while.
She shrugged her shoulders and said, "That's okay, I'll just date Daddy until then".

For them, it will be eggrolls or sticky rice.

Dos Reales' chicken salad.

Drinks with things floating around in them.

And ice cream.